Severus Snape and Dementors
by essenni
Summary: “I wish I could feel dementors,” Snape said to himself. “I wish I would feel worse in their presence. I wish they could suck out some happiness from me. It would mean that I had been happy.”


**A/N: Huge thanks to my beta, catkasimir!**

**Severus Snape and Dementors**

Severus Snape looked out of the window and almost could not make out a thing outside. The thunderstorm was so strong that the whole sky was black and rays of light could not get through the clouds. Wind was wailing and it seemed like the trees of the Forbidden Forest would be torn up by the roots. Usually Snape enjoyed this type of weather. It was how he felt inside most of the time. However, today, something was bothering him. He was deep in thought about what had happened just a few hours earlier.

There had been a Gryffindor versus Hufflepuff Quidditch match. Hufflepuff had won. Gryffindor's loss was warming Snape's heart, but not enough to forget about the way they had lost.

Potter had fallen off his broom when Dementors had appeared on the field. He had fallen about fifty feet. Snape saw him falling all the way down and his thoughts changed by every foot Harry fell.

At first joy filled him when he saw that Gryffindor's Star was falling, that they wouldn't win, that Slytherins would tease Potter again for his fear of Dementors. Snape enjoyed that this year Harry wasn't as popular as he had been previously. This year he was just a weak boy who feared Dementors, who fainted each time they came near him.

Once Snape had realized how high Harry had been, fear grabbed him. He feared that Harry would die. It was too high to stay alive after a fall like that. He had to protect Lily's son. He couldn't die before Snape's eyes.

But wait a minute – he could die! It wouldn't be Snape's fault if he died. He would finally get rid of that arrogant boy whom he had to see each day. He wouldn't have to look into his eyes and see Lily in them. Snape had wanted him dead many times and now his wish could be fulfilled. An evil smirk had crossed Snape's face at the moment when he thought about life without Harry. The world wouldn't lose anything if he died.

When Snape caught himself at those thoughts he was ashamed. How could he think about the son of his only love like that? He realized that deep inside his heart his feelings were not made of such superficial hatred. He had never really wanted him dead. Harry was the only thing Lily had left him in this world. Snape disliked him very strongly, but he had never truly wished him to die. He couldn't die and of course he didn't. He had always been lucky.

Tomorrow Slytherins would definitely laugh about him. He would be a nerd again. Snape would be able to make some biting remarks about Dementors and Harry in the class. This would be a fine way to insult Potter, but he would not do it. No one even suspected that Snape secretly envied Harry for his sensitiveness of Dementors. Snape was sitting, staring at the darkness behind the window and thinking about Dementors and how differently they affected people.

"How much I would want to feel Dementors the way Potter does! Well alright, I do not care about Potter, I just want to feel them!" Snape said to himself. "In the past I was afraid of Dementors. I was scared to death about the possibility of having to go to Azkaban, and I was convinced that I would go insane among them, but not anymore. Now, I know that Dementors don't have any impact on me. I don't feel worse when I encounter a Dementor or even many of them. I don't feel anything different from what I feel every day, from what I feel even now.

When people are in the presence of a Dementor they relieve their worst memories. I have heard that Potter hears Lily dying. When I am close to Dementors I remember the moment when I found out about Lily's death. Our memories are so similar and they make Harry faint, but leave no impact on me. People would think that it is because I'm heartless, but that is not the case. It is because I live with these memories each and every day. There hasn't been a day when I have not remembered Lily and the agony when I had found out that she's dead. Those memories follow me wherever I go. No Dementor can bring back more painful memories than I have with me. What I remember when being close to a Dementor is the same with what I wake up to each day, go to sleep with and what I remember each time I see Harry. How good it would be to remember them just once in awhile, like Potter does, not to live with them.

People describe the feelings when they are in the presence of a Dementor like an absolute absence of hope, a feeling never being able to be happy again. I would like to experience it so much! I would like to feel that I will never be happy again, but I do not, because I already know that I will never be happy again. I realized it the moment I found out about her death. I didn't want to live anymore. I saw no meaning in life because I knew that I would not be happy ever again. How can I be cheerful when the only woman I have ever loved is dead and it is my fault? If a person is afraid of the feeling that he will not be happy again, this means that he has something to lose, that he was looking forward to a bright future, that he had hope. Well it's not like that for me. I have nothing to lose. I do not have any bright plans for the future. My future is dark. My mission is not to live for myself. My mission is to live for others, for Dumbledore. He needs a spy and I am the man for the job I have to protect Harry because I gave my word to Dumbledore. Everything that I do is for someone other's good, but not mine. I do not have anyone to care about. I do not look forward to anything. I know that there is no brightness within my future. Everything is dark and hopeless.

The presence of a Dementor makes you feel cold, everything becomes dark. Well, I do not notice the difference. The dungeons where I spend all my time are just like that – cold and dark. Dementors would highly appreciate my dungeons. It has the right atmosphere for sadness or even worse moods. Dementors do not cause sadness. They cause despair. I have been sad in my childhood, during adolescence, but not after Lily's death. Now I feel a multitude of things, but sadness is not one of them.

Sometimes I wonder when I became so cold inside and I think that it was after Lily's death. Not immediately, of course, but soon after that. All hope for a bright future and dreams along with Lily. Dementors cannot scare me with anything. Dementors cannot take away any of my happiness, because I do not have any. I never am happy. I wish they could suck some happiness out of me. It would mean that I had been happy. I do envy all those people who are affected strongly by Dementors, because it means that they are happy and they are shocked when their happiness is taken away, that they miss it. I would like to know how it feels like. I had never encountered a Dementor before Lily's death, when I had sometimes been happy. I had not encountered it soon after her death also. My first encounter with one of the creatures happened when I had already became cold inside, when I had tortured enough myself with memories of Lily, of her death

Occasionally I wonder why people don't call me a Dementor. I have heard the expression "an overgrown bat" and I think that "Dementor" would be much more appropriate. I only wear black. How could I wear anything else if all that I see is completely black – my past, my future. I'm most likely to be met only in cold and dark places. Such is my dungeon. I hate sunlight after losing Lily. She liked sun and enjoyed sitting in the sunlight. Warmth of sun associate with her and anyway I do not have time to sit in the sun like lazy fools do. I have more important things to do. I think that many people would say that I suck happiness out of them. Well of course I do! How could I cheer people up, if I do not have even a bit of happiness inside? I want people to feel the way I do. Actually it is impossible. I don't know anyone who feels the way I do, anyone as hopeless as me. It is quite hurtful to see everyone around so happy when you know that you will never be happy again. I do not want to be the only one who is in a bad mood. It is always lighter when you can insult someone and steal a bit of happiness from them. Just like Dementors do – steal happiness.

In fact it isn't really happiness that I feel when I am insulting somebody. It's hard to describe that feeling. It could be called lust for revenge, sense of fulfillment after that. At least I can take it out on Potter. Someone has to pay for James's abuse. He made my school-time worse than it should have been, much worse. School-time was the time when I had some happy moments, and James and his Marauders always tried to intrude on them. They were my Dementors back then and I am Harry's now.

Maybe that is the reason why I do not feel Dementors? Because Dementors cannot feel each other, at least I think so. Well that is a joke of course. I may be cold and cruel, but I have a soul. I feel it aching. Yes, that pain deep inside that I feel even now."

Snape sunk deeper into his chair, gave a deep sigh and added, "Well, that's my life and I am proud of being able to bear it."


End file.
